Friday 5 October 2012

Kay Burley to undertake ‘how to act like a goddamn human being’ training


As Sky News gave up trying to get Kay Burley to act with sensitivity, the broadcaster has said it will now settle for her behaving like a goddamn human being every now and again.

As Burley accosted the godmother of missing five year old April Jones to tell her the youngster was probably dead, executives admitted it was probably time to do something about her.

A Sky spokesperson explained, “It’s not her fault, she’s like one of those automotons you get in science fiction movies. Completely devoid of emotion and empathy – it makes her brilliant with an autocue, but awful with other human beings.”

“She has no comprehension of human emotions, and as such can sometimes ask the most awful questions imaginable, and present them in the bluntest terms possible.”

“Sure, that makes her come across as something of a heartless witch, but we hope that with a little training she might be able to be reintegrated into polite society without everyone questioning whether she has a soul inside her black heart.”

Kay Burley interview

However viewers have insisted it’s probably now a little late for training, and it would be best for all concerned if she was burned at the stake.

As one viewer explained, “I’m not saying she has the most hateful, sociopathic approach to journalism on the planet, or that she is entirely bereft of humanity – I’m just saying I’d have no idea where to start looking for someone worse than her.”

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