Tuesday 2 October 2012

Men covered in blood carrying machete ‘intimidating’, finds High St survey


Men who spend their days cleaving dead flesh into manageable portions in outfits designed to accentuate blood splatter are ‘intimidating’ according to a new survey of High Street shoppers.

‘Butchers’ as they prefer to be called, claim that something about a profession which involves razor sharp implements up to a foot long puts people off asking them for help when purchasing their fresh food.

As one butcher told us, “Look at me, I’m smiling and I couldn’t be happier.  Don’t look at the bloody hand prints on my apron, or what appears to be a small piece of internal organ stuck to my chest – I’m here to assist you in any way I can.”

“To be honest, it hasn’t really helped that police often give mass murderers the moniker ‘Butcher’ just because they also chop previously living things up with knives.”

“I mean, that’s literally where the similarities end. My cleaver does not define me.”

Butchers ‘daunting’

Shoppers have claimed they’re not scared of butchers, they just prefer not to look them directly in the eye after those stories they were told as a child.

Meat eater Simon Williams told us, “There’s a butcher on my high street, but I won’t go in there because I remember someone at school telling me that their cousin went in by mistake and got turned into sausages.”

“No, I much prefer my meat pre-packaged in a factory owned by a faceless corporation – it’s much easier to sleep at night.”

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