Wednesday 26 September 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Feature: Mitt Romney solves your engineering problems


Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has challenged the very principles of aeronautical engineering, asking tough questions like ‘why don’t the windows open?’.

Now he’s here to tackle other engineering problems sent in by our readers, in his own unique, very very very simple way.

Dear Mitt,

My wife was travelling on a Colombian submarine last week, smuggling cocaine to the shores of California. Due to the friction caused by her sombrero rubbing against a torpedo tube, a small fire broke out. How can this sort of accident be avoided in future?

Vasquez Che Nobel, Bogota

Dear Vasquez,

This must have been a very frightening experience for your wife. Do you have her insured? Water is a good way of dealing with fires, and the simple addition of some opening windows would have quickly allowed water into the submarine, and extinguished the fire. Perhaps you could look into them?

Dear Mitt,

I am worried about the environment, and the effect that CO2 emissions are having on global warming. Do you think science will ever find an answer to this problem?

Gerry, Illinois

Dear Gerry,

Well, I don’t know about you, but I kind of like feeling warm. But I agree, sometimes it can get a little too hot. Do you know what I do, when I’m in my house on a boiling hot day? I open a window. That’s it! That’s the solution right there! Also, you could turn up the air conditioning.

Dear Mitt,

I design high security prisons that no-one is supposed to know about. Each cell is approximately 6ft by 6ft, with a toilet and a simple bed. The trouble is, there’s no real way of knowing if the prisoner is still in there. Could you give me a hand?

Chuck Ronson, Colorado

Hey Chuck,

You’re doing a great job, and the nation salutes you. I watched a film the other night that might give the answer: ‘Tangled’ I think it was. Put the cells in high towers, and give them opening windows. If you want to make a surprise visit, just have the prisoner let down their beard.

Dear Mitt,

I’m terribly sorry, there’s been a mix-up with your prescription. I meant to give you some medical marijuana to help you stay relaxed about all this pre-election hoo-hah, but I’ve accidentally prescribed a powerful laxative. And according to my calculations, it should kick in about…now.

Dr Bernard Shwaltz, Michigan

Dear Bernard,

Oh my god! No! I feel like I’m turning inside out! Please, won’t someone open a window!

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