Thursday 20 September 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Early textbook reveals Jesus had glasses, moustache, penis on forehead


Academics are reassessing how Jesus may have lived, after discovering an early text book in a school in Bermondsey.

Depicting Christ with heavy-framed glasses and a moustache similar to Hitler’s, the father of Christianity is also revealed to have borne a penis on his forehead ‘of generous proportion’.

The document was discovered in a cupboard on the third floor of St. Bernard Matthews Comprehensive, during a routine inspection for the presence of asbestos.

Theologians have spent six months deciphering the text, which was scrawled on using a long-forgotten form of propelling pencil and enhanced later with a pinkish tube of glitter glue.

Lost Jesus text

“This changes everything”, insisted Dr Melvin, an expert in illuminated script.

“Until now, we’d assumed Jesus bore just the one penis, in the vicinity of his loin cloth.”

Rumours abound that the depiction could hint at a second coming, while a primitive script surrounding the image hints that Jesus may have enjoyed a brief relationship with a woman.

“When we read that ‘Julie dose (sic) it for chips’, at first we were unsure what it meant”, admitted Melvin.

“But we now believe that its evidence that Jesus did lay with a woman, or at least leant against the wall with her, while Mark kept an eye out for dinner ladies.”

Donald Clifton, a caretaker for relics at the property including a big ring of keys, confiscated Gameboys and the thermostat for the boiler, has questioned the authenticity of the document.

“Although this text has been protected against the ravages of time by a sheet of woodchip wallpaper and some sticky tape”, admitted Clifton, “you have to question whether the son of God would have chosen to reveal such intimate details on a page about Ox Bow lakes.”

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