Monday 17 September 2012 by Waylandsmithy

GCSEs to be replaced with scratch cards


Nick Clegg has revealed a radical overhaul for England’s education system, with all future qualifications being awarded purely by chance.

Keen to put the controversy of variation between exam boards behind him, the deputy prime minister has launched a range of small, perforated exam certificates with ‘scratch and see’ grades.

“This should be a relief to parents who have struggled to get their children into good schools”, insisted Clegg.

“It no longer matters how good the teachers are, or if your kids are a bit thick.”

To encourage support for the ‘Career Lottery’ Clegg revealed that one lucky winner will achieve a first-class degree in media studies, while five runners-up will face a brighter future with 2:2s in Modern Dance.

GCSEs replaced

Clegg has insisted that certain safeguards be put in place, to ensure grades are distributed fairly. Pre-scratched fails will be issued to some inner city schools, and most of the North East.

“If you happen to come out of school with just three or four ‘better luck next time’s, we’d encourage you to sit a re-scratch, for just £50 a time”, enthused Clegg.

For balance, private schools will be able to print their own tickets, with the odds of making parents proud roughly 1 in 1.

Clegg rejected complaints that a lottery was no way to decide on people’s futures, insisting that most families wouldn’t notice any difference in their children’s grades.

“This new system will bring hope to even the terminally stupid”, claimed Clegg,

“an A* in maths might appear to be a real possibility, if you don’t understand the odds.”

The government believes the scratch cards will trick pupils from poorer backgrounds into thinking a place at university is within their grasp.

As Clegg explained, “It’s important for our children to think there’s a level playing field.”

“Further education is open to anyone from any background. That’s assuming you win the lottery to pay the tuition fees.”

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