Thursday 6 September 2012

We only promote healthy lifestyles, claims Mars official with straight face


The deep-fried Mars bars has come under criticism from the confectionary giant Mars, after a poker-faced official claimed they’re actually all about healthy lifestyles.

The Carron Fish Bar in Stonehaven, in Aberdeenshire, claims to be the birthplace of the recipe almost two decades ago, and led a failed bid for EU protected geographical status.

Owner Simon Williams told us, “Mars got in touch and said that deep-frying chocolate, caramel and sugar detracted from the healthy perception they ad cultivated for chocolate, caramel and sugar.”

“Apparently they seem to think their customer base contains fitness freaks and ultra-athletes.”

Deep-fried Mars bar

A Mars spokesperson told reporters with a straight face that the deep-fried Mars bar went against their commitment to promoting healthy, active lifestyles.

They told us, “We have to promote active lifestyles, because you need to run five miles to burn off a Mars bar.”

“If there was someway we could call this chunk of chocolate and sugar a vitamin bar, then we would. I mean we did it with our sugar drink ‘Vitamin water’.”

“If we didn’t refuse to endorse this dee-frying, it would only be a short time before people started associating our chocolate bars with fat bastards. Which would be desperately unfair.”

However, some have insisted Mars is talking out of its arse.

Confectionary Analyst Jeff Matthews told us, “The average Mars bar consumer isn’t out rollerbladding. They’re sat at home crying in front of a computer on a chair that’s buckling under the stress.”

“Remember the catch-phrase, ‘A Mars a day, keeps diabetes in play’.”

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