Scientists have published the most detailed analysis to date of the human genome, claiming to have isolated the code which makes people an utter pain in the arse to be around.
The researchers hope that the findings will lead to a deeper understanding of numerous hideous personality traits that will in future allow certain people to be avoided at all costs.
Lead researcher Dr Simon Williams told us, “This breakthrough could finally see an end to spending time with people who annoy the shit out of you.”
“Met someone new? Get a discrete hair sample and we’ll tell you with 99% certainly whether you’ll be sick of the sight of them within two months.”
“We can also tell you with a high degree of certainty whether they will flood your Facebook wall with tedious invites to another goddam game they’ve found themselves addicted to.”
Human genome sequence
The findings are expected to lead to new treatments for annoying pricks, though doctors are still warning that the best treatment is in fact ‘avoidance’.
As one explained, “Sure, in years to come we might have an injection that turns that douchebag from the bar into a civilised member of society, but that’s many years away.”
“Right now we’re focussing on the genes for ‘thinks is funny but isn’t’ and ‘nags about every bloody little thing’. We expect early drug trials by next summer – the public has already submitted 6.5 million names for consideration.”
“But I’m afraid you’re all going to have to put up with dickheads infiltrating your lives for the foreseeable future.”