Wednesday 5 September 2012 by Waylandsmithy

‘Rebrand riots as marches’ suggests chav think-tank


A leading chav think-tank, 23 year-old Tyson Hogsby, has suggested that summer rioting should be rebranded as ‘a march’.

Hogsby has accused the police of ‘double standards’ when dealing with gangs of similarly dressed, violent thugs.

“I was watching the orange parades on the telly I got from Dixons one night last summer, and I thought to myself ‘looting needs a smarter image’.

With flags, sashes and bowler hats adding an air of sophistication to even the most idiotic of beliefs, Hogsby hopes that his planned march through JJB Sports, Booze Busters and HMV could soon be tolerated by locals, even if they disagree with the idealism behind it.

Riots to be rebranded

Hogsby complained, “When I wrote to the chief constable and explained that we wanted to smash up the high street, steal some trainers and show our bottoms to the CCTV cameras, his reply was less than helpful.”

“But when I wrote back and explained that my belief system centred around brand-worship, selfishism and unlimited access to free electrical goods, he was forced to give me a map of the route, a police escort and a time when we could start.”

Hogsby insists that his ‘march’ is planned to be a peaceful celebration of consumerism, and that it’s not his fault if it descends into petty theft, smashed windows and pictures of stolen potatoes on Facebook.

“Parades and marches are about one thing”, claimed Hogsby: “using religion to justify acting like a twat.”

Hogsby is no stranger to being persecuted for his beliefs: he recently served 12 months for believing he could outrun the security officer in Asda.

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