Wednesday 5 September 2012 by Waylandsmithy

‘Fatties could still kick your ass’ warn researchers


Researchers with treadmills have issued a stark warning to bullies, after discovering some gutlords can move surprisingly quickly.

Scientists had hoped that a study of people who waddle would provide further evidence of how repellent they are.

But after one post-graduate was battered by a young girl with bingo wings, the team conceded that their thesis was ‘small boned’.

“As a proper medical scientist, I’m always keen to tease fat lads with biscuits”, explained Dr Hillary Jones, “but I was surprised at just how fast some of them could run.”

“And while high-speed video of them skipping is hilarious to watch, it’s best not to show it to them on your iPhone, unless you’re fully warmed up.”

Obesity survey

Dr Jones is calling for more research into how to sneer at the massive, in ways less likely to lead to a fat lip.

“It’s almost as if some of them are evolving really, really thick skins”, she suggested, “they’re no longer too ashamed of their disgusting appearance to lash out at rude people with correct BMIs.”

Initial checks seem to confirm Jones’ findings. When a busload of bloaters were hooked up to self-esteem monitors, she was shocked to discover a handful that weren’t wracked with self-loathing.

The team is planning to experiment further, using clothes with size labels on the outside, or arm bands displaying the wearer’s weight.

“We’re desperate to discover a cure for this mis-placed self-confidence, it’s critical to maintaining our research grant,” Jones conceded.

“If we discover that some tubsters are actually happy, we might have to tear up all we understand about bullying.”

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