Following their lack of activity on transfer deadline day, Arsenal fans are currently watching Sky Sports News while lying on the sofa in their dressing gowns and weeping into a large tub of Häagen-Dazs ice cream.
With Sky Sports News presenters insisting that a deal is taking place “literally every second”, fans of the North London club began the day eagerly awaiting an influx of top players, but have since been reduced to a blubbering mess of snot.
The bit where it became clear that they didn’t have any reporters at the Emirates Stadium really got to me,” said emotional Arsenal fan Ben Jessop.
“I haven’t cried this much since I went for a piss after chopping some chilli peppers.”
With the transfer window not officially closing until 11pm, some Arsenal fans are still hopeful of a happy ending.
Arsenal Big Name Signings
“There’s still time for us to bring in some big names, preferably ones that end in a vowel,” said season ticket holder Karl Hines
“My first choice would be an ‘O’, but I think an ‘A’ or an ‘I’ could still do a job.”
Sky Sports News reporters have also revealed their sadness on what is normally a special day for them.
Bryan Swanson said: “What I’d give right now to see Harry Redknapp’s face peering through the open window of a Range Rover.”
“Haaaaaarrrrrryyyyyyyyy! Haaaaaaaarrrrrrrryyyyyyy!” he sobbed.