Thursday 30 August 2012 by Tors

Will.i.am track ‘used to deter potential Martian assault’.


NASA has successfully armed its Mars rover ‘Curiosity’ with Will.i.am’s latest single, for use in the event of a Martian attack.

A NASA spokesperson said they were confident the rapper’s new song ‘Reach for the Stars’ would prevent any hostile extra-terrestrials from disturbing the space mission should the occurrence arise.

“The issue of how we could keep alien life-forms at bay whilst Curiosity Rover carried out its important work had been plaguing scientists for months,” he told reporters.

“Then, during NASA’s Space: it’s a big place! 2012 conference the sound man accidentally switched to the local radio station which was playing Will.i.am’s new song. The entire conference centre holding over 5,000 people was cleared in seconds.”

“We knew a solution had been found.”

Closer to home

Other authority leaders have announced they are considering adopting the unusual defensive measure closer to home.

The President of the Association of Chief Police Officers Simon Williams was the first to announce proposals for the country’s police forces to adopt the defensive action in what he called “extreme cases”.

“I am not saying it is necessarily what we want, but in extreme cases such as last year’s London riots the police should have the necessary tools available to do their job,” he said.

“I do not doubt for one second that had they had access to Will.i.am’s new single and an oversized speaker system last summer then the untold destruction across our capital would never have happened.”

In an unexpected move, the Chief Fire Officers’ Association has revealed plans to change the traditional ‘ringing’ sound both in domestic and commercial fire alarms to the ‘Reach for the Stars’ song.

“Following extensive research we have found that when there is a fire, playing the new Will.i.am song gets people out of the building almost three times quicker than the old traditional alarm bells,” a spokesperson explained.

“We appreciate the change will cause some extra distress – but our focus is on saving lives – not ear drums.”

Chief of the no-frills airline RyanAir, Michael O’Leary, confirmed that the company is going ahead with controversial plans to play the song on loop during all in and outbound flights… with sound-proof headphones available to customers at a cost of £2.

Denying the airline was “punishing” millions of passengers by forcing the rapper’s music into their lives, he predicted that other airlines would soon follow suit.

“Ultimately the satisfaction of our customers is of utmost importance to us,” he added. “Which is why we are also discussing plans to also incorporate tracks by Cher Lloyd and James Blunt.”

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