Premier league sides up and down the country have taken the unusual decision to break their own legs and arms before travelling to The Britannia Stadium this season.
Traditionally players can expect to have their bodies amputated to varying degrees during the course of the game, but today’s joint announcement has put heed to that.
Speaking on behalf of an alliance of clubs, Arsene Wenger said that he was pleased with the new policy. “I am very happy yes. If nothing else it means no longer will their players enjoy the satisfying crunch of snapping the opposition bones. It should help give us an edge.”
“We played Stoke on Sunday and it’s always a tough physical challenge. We are assessing the injuries and so far Arteta has a broken eye socket, two have knee caps missing, Podolski is clinically dead and three more have post-traumatic stress disorder at a level consistent with Vietnam war sufferers.”
Roberto Martinez’s Wigan side are up next for Stoke. “I’m very pleased about the decision. It’s always a headache playing Stoke,” he punned. “You never know what injuries you’ll come out of the game with. At least this way we stay in control.”
“It’s a new challenge for us. Traditionally our medical staff fix broken bones; they’re not experts in the actual breaking as such. So we will need to train them up as quickly as possible.”
“Ironically the best people to consult on this would be Stoke – but they’re being very coy.”
“I don’t suppose you have a spare hammer or truncheon? I’m meeting Al-Habsi later. He hasn’t got a clue about this ruling so I want to take him by surprise. Better to start from the back – it’s like total football in a way.”
Michael Owen to sign for Stoke?
Meanwhile Michael Owen is a reported target for the Potters.
It is not yet clear if he will be warming the bench or the mascot’s outfit, but the free agent was spotted by a reporter in the area.
“Yeah things are pretty hectic at the moment. I’ve got loads of clubs after me. Honest, I’m not lying. That’s definitely the truth and that,” he said.
“But Tony Pulis has shown the most interest and I’m really excited about the setup.”
“I’ve already failed the medical but weirdly he didn’t seem overly concerned. Said I’d fit right into the system – something about not needing legs after training? Can only think they must run their arses off.”