Monday 20 August 2012

X Factor debut attracts 3 million fewer morons


The new series of the X Factor debuted this weekend, with early figures showing that the number of morons who haven’t noticed it’s just a 16 week long advert is down by almost 3 million.

The ninth series opener was watched by only 8 million simpletons, the fewest number of mouth-breathers for a debut episode since 2006.

Entertainment analysts have suggested this could be due to a resurgence in people demanding ‘genuine quality’ in post-Olympics Britain, or that a couple of million people are too stupid to use a television guide.

As television analyst Simon Williams explained, “The questions is, are people becoming more intelligent and aware of society around them, or has X Factor become so tiresomely transparent that even morons are turning it off?”

“But as I look around me today I’m struggling to believe the answer is fewer simpletons. It must have been the weather.”

“Or maybe they’re so stupid they incorrectly set their DVR to record it.”

X Factors viewing figures

Producers for the show have insisted the figures are a temporary blip, and that they have some amazing entertainment lined up to bring television owning imbeciles back in their droves.

Executive Producer in charge on awful singers, Gail Matthews, explained, “Watch next week, as we’ve got this one girl of below average intelligence who absolutely can not sing. She’s absolutely dreadful.”

“But after a couple of back-stage auditions with me and the team telling her she’s ‘just what we’re after’, she goes on stage to get a proper mauling from the judges. It’s absolutely epic!”

“And if we know anything about our audience, it’s that they love laughing at people who’ve been lied to by television executives.”

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