Thursday 16 August 2012

Students who think Uni fees must be paid up-front reignite calls for ‘new polytechnics’


Students who claim they can’t go to University because they don’t have ‘nine grand lying about’ have reopened the debate about the use of polytechnics in the UK higher education system.

As A-Level results began filtering through, and teenagers discovered they had somehow secured sufficient grades to read David Beckham Studies at the University of Stafford, many voiced concerns that they didn’t have enough money to go.

Student Simon Williams told us, “Uni starts in a few weeks, and I only get an allowance of £20 a week, so I won’t have £9,000 until…until… I dunno, I’m not doing bloody maths.”

“Maybe it’s best I just do as my career adviser suggested and look for a job shepherding small shiny cages with wheels that don’t all go in the same direction?”

A-Level results day

Educationalists have insisted that the pleas of students who don’t understand how the University fees system works should encourage ministers to bring about a return of polytechnics.

Former University Chancellor Lynda Matthews told us, “These people clearly can’t read, otherwise they’d know the fees don’t need to be paid back until long after graduation – so I’m not sure they really do deserve a place at a University.”

“But a Poly? That’s a different matter. They’d probably fit right in there with their ability to skip large chunks of text and completely misinterpret the few paragraphs they do read.”

“Plus I’m sure they’d be happier surround by like-minded simpletons.”

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