Friday 10 August 2012

Tourists to stop making eye contact with British women


As British women won gold medals for being the best at kicking and punching, the rest of the world stared directly at its feet before muttering ‘no luv, I definitely wasn’t looking at you funny’.

With Nicola Adams and Jase Jones proving that British women can knock seven bells of shit out of their global counterparts, a new found respect for the females on our island has pervaded those visiting our shores.

London shop worker Deidre Matthews told us, “People seem to be more polite and deferential to me today, definitely.”

“Just this morning I had an awkward American customer back down the very second I started wrapping masking tape around my knuckles. I tilted my head from side to side to loosen my neck and he was gone.”

“Well done ladies, you’ve made us all very proud. And pretty much untouchable.”

Team GB’s fighting women

Areas of Great Britain including the North-East and Salford have called for ‘pub car-park brawling’ to be added to the Olympic roster in order to see Team GB secure further gold medal in Rio.

Regular brawler Sharon White told us, “When it comes to a drunken slaps and hair pulling, there’s simply no-one in the world to touch us.”

“If you’re interested in our sport you can see enthusiastic amateurs clawing their way up the ranks in pretty much any Wetherspoons on a Friday and Saturday night.”

“Plus we’ve got some really talented teenagers coming through, too.”

“Jamaica might be the global breeding ground for sprinters, but for women who can knock the fuck out of anyone you simply can’t beat northern British council estates.”

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