Thursday 9 August 2012

George Osborne to put ‘110% effort’ into learning how percentages work


After 2012 economic growth forecasts were revised down to zero yesterday, Chancellor George Osborne announced he would put 110% effort into understanding what this meant.

The Bank of England said growth would be close to 0%, down from about 0.8% predicted in May, as the double-dip recession intensifies and Osborne continues to look like an Olympics tourist studying a Tube map.

The Chancellor told reporters, “I am committed to making the numbers look better than they actually are, and I will be putting in 110% effort for the 20% of my time I spend thinking about it. But there’s only a 30% chance of that happening.”

Osborne then turned to one of his aides before mouthing, “Did I do that right?”, before continuing, “I will not rest until I’ve told everyone about how I’m not resting until we sort this problem out.”

“Even now we are working tirelessly to find new ways of blaming the previous government for the effects I’ve caused in the last two and a bit years.”

Economic Growth

Experts have warned that having a man in charge of the economy who doesn’t understand percentages is like putting Kerry Katona in charge of the country’s education policy.

Analyst James Walker said, “Osborne’s rise to power is the perfect example of the Dilbert principle, except instead of promoting him to a position where he can’t cause any more damage, he’s in a position to destroy us all.”

However Office worker Simon Williams defended the Chancellor, telling us, “I’ll be honest, sometimes I get a bit confused with with fractions and percentages – but I can understand the odds at the bookies no problem.”

“Perhaps George is the same? I’m sure that if you asked him right now he could give you pretty accurate odds on the Tories winning the next election. I know I could.”

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