Monday 23 July 2012

Bradley Wiggins victory raises ugly spectre of sideburns becoming popular again


As Tour de France winner Bradley Wiggins acclaimed the crowd on the Champs-Élysées, thousands of impressionable British teenage boys began cultivating bushy sideburns, unwelcome reports revealed today.

Wiggins became the first British winner of the world’s most famous bicycle race, and an instant hero to boys finally starting to sprout a tiny amount of facial hair.

Fourteen year-old Justin Williams told us, “Just look at him, all resplendent in yellow lycra with what appear to be two small animals aside his face.  He’s simply magnificent!”

“The dedication that must have gone in to get him to where he is today. Those things don’t just grow overnight, trust me, I know.”

“And it doesn’t matter what the Internet says, brushing them with milk doesn’t help one bit.”

Sideburns will be back

Wiggins has now turned his attention to the Olympics, ensuring that his magnificent lamb chops will be seen on prime time television for at least another week.

Television owner Lisa Matthews told us she was hoping a nice clean-shaven boy would win gold in the cycling event at London 2012.

“Whilst I like to see the country doing well, and Mr Wiggins is clearly an incredible athlete, it would be nice to see one of the smarter looking chaps win instead.”

“I’m not sure I want our impressionable youngsters to start modelling themselves on someone who wouldn’t look out of place in a 1970s episode of Emmerdale Farm.”

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