Thursday 19 July 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Home Office issues guidelines on coward/hero status of suicide bombers


Home Secretary Theresa May has issued a 20-page guide to help the public determine the bravery of suicide bombers.

Traditionally, suicide bombers have all been labelled as ‘cowardly’, but events in Syria have complicated their classification.

The BBC has so far failed to speculate on the mettle of an attacker, who blew up three leading members of Assad’s government.

“We try to remain impartial when reporting on conflicts in the region”, explained a spokesman for the broadcaster.

“It’s too early to label this martyr ‘a hero’, for his successful attack on Syria’s evil tyrants.”

Suicide Bomber classification

May’s booklet explains that while some cowardly attacks are easy for the public to identify, others can be a little more difficult to pigeon-hole.

“Obviously, only a total wuss would attack a target in the West”, explained May.

“Especially if it’s some lily-liver who’s miss-read an old book. But what if they’ve blown up an embassy with a questionable record on human rights? That can be much harder to categorise, especially if the attacker was a woman.”

After reading the book, members of the public will be able to identify suspects using a ten-point ‘Scale of Fortitude’.

“10 is the best”, enthused May. “That’s for self-immolating Tibetan monks. Then it goes through some grey areas, until we get down to 1.”

The lowest rating is automatically applied if the victims could speak English, or if it occurred somewhere you might have considered going on holiday.

The leaflet will be handed out to visitors to the Olympics, so that they can correctly label suspects in the event of an attack.

“Jumping to conclusions about an attacker can help us to support our brave boys”, insisted May.

“We need to send a message to would-be cowards, that we’re ready to react.”

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