Wednesday 18 July 2012

Drug kingpins deny lowering themselves to do business with ‘bankers’


Drug cartels from around the world have been moved protect their reputations by issuing statements denying any involvement with a series of ‘bankers’.

Most have insisted they operated a strict honour code which prevents them from dealing with people who have fewer morals than they do.

South American Cocaine manufacturer Carlos Murez told us, “I want it on record that I’ve never consorted with a ‘banker’, from HSBC or elsewhere.”

“It’s only a rumour right now, but already people have started looking down their noses at us – it has to stop.”

“As an organisation we limit our behaviour to destroying the lives only of our direct customers. We’ve never tried to manipulate the entire planet’s economy for our own benefit – what sort of animals do you think we are?”

“We have very strict procedures to assess who we do business with, and no-one in our network would ever ‘vouch’ for a banker – they’re not that stupid.”

Bankers and drug dealers

Then news comes amid reports that the villain in new James Bond movie ‘Skyfall’ is a ‘leading hedge fund manager’, with Bond tasked to understand what exactly it is that he does, and why everyone around him is losing their house.

An insider from the set told us, “It’s definitely Bond’s toughest test yet – he’s thwarted at every turn by morally bankrupt behaviour that on the surface is completely legal.”

“Though I have to say that it’s one of cinema’s most satisfying moments when he smashes the banker’s face into a dirty toilet.”

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