Wednesday 18 July 2012 by Waylandsmithy

BBC ‘Rogue Rogue Traders’ show ‘plumbs new depths’


Police are following a team of undercover presenters who have been accused of stealing money, supposedly while researching a new series of ‘Rogue Rogue Traders’.

Using camera-friendly hypocrites, the programme aimed to expose presenters that acted like common plumbers, or fly-tipped their morals in the countryside and blamed the gypsies.

To add some excitement to a series which mainly showed grainy footage of tea-drinking and bum-cracks, Dan Penteado was employed to roar about on a motorbike, or sit in the loft and stare at pipes.

The BBC then received a bill for this ‘work’, despite him claiming benefits for doing roughly the same thing.

“It’s not strictly necessary to use a motorbike when you’re bothering a tradesman”, admitted a spokesman for the programme.

“But Panteado insisted on one, in case a plumber suddenly revealed himself as a fraud investigation officer.”

Rogue rogue trader

Police were called to deal with a public disturbance in the street, as Penteado attempted to tear the face off an elderly homeowner.

“She’s not a vulnerable widow, she’s a snitch from the council”, Penteado screamed, before crashing his Kawasaki into a parked builder’s van.

News of the ruse soon spread and over 20 sole traders were in the street at one point, keen to make a killing by grassing up home owners and presenters alike to the authorities.

“My guttering was leaking and the drains smelled a bit”, claimed 78 year-old resident Doreen Howles. “So I agreed to fit up some mug, with the help of the Beeb.”

“They moved a team into an apartment they built inside my cellar, and got me to invite round a handyman.”

“They were right to suspect him: as soon as my back was turned, he was rifling through my paperwork. Now I’m being prosecuted for telling the council tax people that I live here alone.”

The BBC has apologised for the incident and promised to tighten up their vetting procedures.

“We accidentally forgot to stop making this dross in 2001.”

“If anyone suspects they’ve been conned out of their licence fee by a team of shifty-looking rough sorts, we’d like to assure them it’s normal. And remember, don’t have nightmares.”

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