Monday 16 July 2012

Government announces £9bn plan to drag rail network into the 1970s


The government has announced a £9bn programme of investment in the nation’s railway infrastructure which will make it the envy of anyone still living in the 1970s.

The move will see some stretches of the railway able to adopt several pieces of new-fangled technology, such as electricity.

However experts insist that the investment will do little to prevent those carriages located either side of a toilet reeking of human faeces.

Commuter Simon Williams welcomed the move, insisting that the 1970s were pretty good to him.

“I was at primary school, and had all of my meals cooked for me.  I had no bills, no mortgage or anything to worry about except when I could go out to play.”

“I think a rail network that evokes the spirit of the seventies would be very welcome indeed.”

£9bn rail investment

Excitement over the investment has been tempered somewhat by news that you will be paying for it with increased fares.

Train user Sharon Clarke told us, “It’s a novel approach I suppose – telling me about all this money they’re about to invest before slipping in at the end that it’ll be coming out of my purse.”

However defenders of steam and diesel transport have said that electrifying a train-line all the way to Swansea is simply asking for trouble.

“Putting electricity in Wales will lead to panic in the streets, mass hysteria and possibly a return to witch trials.”

“Perhaps we should give them the gift of fire first and see how we get on?”

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