Beleaguered thug hirers G4S are once again on the back-foot, after the Prime Minister criticised their handling of the Falkland’s security and coastal defence contract.
G4S has been responsible for defending the South Atlantic colony since MoD budget cuts meant it was no longer cost-effective to protect British citizens properly.
Despite managing to recruit fewer than 38 people to fulfil the contract, the firm had efficiently supervised an uneasy peace, until recently.
To raise the profile of the island’s defences, G4S put up lots of signs with their logo on, and a picture of a fierce-looking dog. A logo announced they were there to prevent any argy-bargy.
G4S head meat head Nick Buckles insists that behind the facades, his employees were ready to manage and mediate a full-scale invasion.
“We maintained a highly effective and visible deterrent, using a couple of fairly new Transit vans”, claimed Buckles.
“But if anyone was thinking of landing on the beaches under the cover of night, we issued our contractors with the latest environmentally friendly LED torches.”
David Cameron admitted that the MoD faced some difficult choices, but was pleased that at least some of the soldiers he’d sacked had found exactly the same work, but in a G4S uniform.
“While subcontracting the defence of the realm may on the face of it appear a little reckless”, said Cameron, “we can at least get our money back if they fail to deliver, perhaps by surrendering, or falling asleep in a cupboard. ”
While manning levels on the islands were criticized by Cameron, it was the G4S shareholders that drew most of his fury.
Argentina has quietly bought a controlling 58% of the company, the the first time a sovereign state has been taken over by a ‘conflict of interest’.