Monday 16 July 2012 by Spacey

Census 2011: Racist diatribes up by 55%


Census 2011 results

After the 2011 census revealed that the population of England and Wales has reached 56.1 million, the number of people constructing sentences that include the words ‘bloody’, ‘immigrants’ and ‘full’ has gone up by 55%.

The Office for National Statistics said that sentences starting with “I’m not a racist, but” accounted for around 44% of the rants, with the remainder made up of varying degrees of shameless bollocks.

The rise in people who view immigrants as sex-crazed maniacs who, from the very moment they arrive here, embark on a non-stop marathon of unprotected sex before filling up their vast taxpayer funded mansions with children, is at it’s highest level in hours.

Data also showed that anyone who disagreed with the views expressed was a “lefty liberal cardigan wearing beardo, who should be strung up in the Tower of London for treason”.

Census results

An ONS spokesperson revealed that the data will be revised upwards in the autumn.

“We are continuing to monitor the situation, and the number of people talking about how the sheer weight of immigrants could make the entire country sink into the sea is going up all the time,” they said.

“According to early data some of them are also growing gills so once the country is underwater they’ll completely take over and force us to be their sea slaves.”

“Bloody immigrants,” they added.

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