Tuesday 10 July 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Cameron replaces House of Lords with Clegg’s Magic 8-Ball


After threatening to hold his breath until he faints or ‘does some sick’, Nick Clegg has won a concession from David Cameron to overhaul the House of Lords.

Claiming it would streamline decision-making, reduce costs and tackle the faint smell of cabbage, Cameron agreed to replace the entire upper chamber with a Magic 8-ball Clegg was given for his birthday.

While the initial response to the proposal was a resounding ‘Don’t count on it’, this was eventually changed to ‘Outlook good’ after some vigorous shaking by chief whips.

The Magic 8-ball is well liked amongst the coalition cabinet.

Respected for its ability to jump to decisions quickly, it’s equally admired for its rapid u-turns, when given the slightest nudge.

Clegg victory

The Magic 8-ball was ennobled by the Queen in a ceremony using a paper fortune-teller, which also revealed that its favourite colour is yellow, ‘You have cooties’ and ‘I love you sweetie’.

The viewing window on the 8-ball misted over during the ceremony, causing concerns that future parliamentary processes might lack transparency.

A committee of MPs wiped it with a tissue and spent some time looking into it. They later concluded that the 8-ball’s decisions could be respected, if you gave it a long enough peerage.

It’s not the first time major policy decisions have been made by a reactionary, ball-shaped novelty that lacks any credibility: Lord Prescott joined the upper house in 2010.

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