Thursday 5 July 2012 by Waylandsmithy

South Korea mimics CERN success by scientifically hacking whales to pieces


After CERN’s breakthrough discovery of the Higgs Boson particle, South Korea is hoping to take science further by harpooning some whales in the face for ‘scientific reasons’.

CERN’s sub-atomic research has inspired other nations to step up their efforts to advance our knowledge of the world.

And while research into how whales taste remains largely unfunded in Switzerland, South Korea is hoping it can find a definitive answer, long before Stephen Hawking.

“Since time began, man has wondered what sauce goes best with a bowl of sticky whale blubber”, claimed harpoonologist Suu Ki Hung.

“I have a well-trained team of ‘scientists’ and a research ship armed with massive cannons”, said Hung.

“We’re hoping to present our findings to a panel on a bed of fragrant rice, garnished with squid beaks and the heads of baby dolphins.”

Korean Whaling

Sceptics have claimed that South Korea’s research model is flawed, and will produce meaningless results.

“The question shouldn’t be ‘how do whales taste’, but ‘why on earth do you want to eat one?’”, claimed Greenpeace spokesman Linda Hulstead.

“We’re proposing an alternative methodology”, explained Hulstead.

“One that we’d be happy to repeat: we want to bang their heads together, until they adopt the same diet as us.”

Hulstead is hoping to launch a string of western restaurants, serving mammals that she’s more comfortable with eating.

“The scientists have been excited by my proposals, and I think they’re taking them seriously”, claimed Hulstead.

“When I mentioned research into ‘hot dogs’, Hung said he couldn’t wait to get stuck into his ‘lab’.”

“Apparently it didn’t sit well, and he’d got bored with taking it for walks.”

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