Monday 2 July 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Finance sector in shock as banker takes responsibility for actions


The financial sector has reacted with shock and confusion after Marcus Agius ‘took the blame’ and resigned as chairman of Barclays bank.

Industry insiders hope the matter is an isolated incident, and are confident it won’t lead to more cases of bankers ‘doing the right thing’.

“When I heard that the banking sector was at the centre of yet another scandal, I was horrified”, claimed Jeremy Haymarket, an investment banker with Lloyds.

“I’d bet the savings of 5,000 pensioners with Charlie at HSBC that there wouldn’t be more than seven outrages this month.”

Executives at Barclays have sought to distance themselves from Agius, following rumours that a conscience can be spread by close contact.

“I know one currency trader who caught empathy from a toilet seat”, claimed a shadowy rate setter, who wished to remain ominous.

“To this day, he still can’t kick a puppy in the face.”

Barclays resignation

Chief Executive Bob Diamond hopes to nip the outbreak of morality in the bud, by making sure anyone that does resign receives an outrageous, seven-figure sum.

“It’s much harder to look sorry when you’re caught with your hands in the till”, explained Diamond, “if the papers know you’ve got a bigger till at home, full of other people’s savings.”

The banking industry has promised to introduce new controls and layers of mystique, to avoid culpability in the future.

“Most of these proles didn’t know what a Libor was until last Wednesday”, complained Diamond.

“What they don’t know, doesn’t get you fired.”

“That’s why I’ve got our worst men on the case, translating our remaining shadowy practices into Latin”, he confirmed.

“If you try and read it, your eyes glaze over and you hardly know you’ve been shafted. It’s the financial equivalent of being slipped Rohypnol.”

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