Tuesday 26 June 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Hospitals still failing to turn a profit from sick people


Some NHS hospitals are still failing to profit from other people’s misfortune, according to auditors for healthcare trusts.

Despite longer waiting times increasing the income from car parks, many hospitals in England are still doggedly treating people without a thought for the bottom line, with the possible exception of colorectal units.

Health secretary Andrew Lansley believes that administrative errors could be to blame, with even the most basic credit checks often being overlooked. “There’s a lot of money wasted treating unnecessary people, such as the unemployed, the retired or the lazy”, he insisted.

“I want a health service that’s the envy of the world, but it’s hard for our own citizens to be envious, if they’re still allowed to use it.”

NHS Trust insolvent

With many trusts struggling to meet the payments for private finance initiatives (PFIs), Lansley is thinking of combining them into one, smaller hospital with more manageable payments.

“Obviously, such a hospital would have to be a little more selective in who they deign to look at, but if you don’t get ill, you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

The government is pondering taking over failing trusts, so they can focus on the important issues, such as budgets, collecting customer feedback and installing pay TV.

“We’ve asked Sebastian Coe to have a look at it, once the Olympics are over and done with”, confirmed Lansley, at a book-signing in Norwich.

“He’s become quite the expert at charging a fortune for things that should be free.”

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