Wednesday 20 June 2012 by Gary Stanton

Kirchner envelope stunt risks all out office stationery, warns Cameron


After the Argentine President Cristina Kirchner presented him with an A4 envelope, David Cameron has issued a stern warning of all out office stationery over the British Falkland Islands.

The envelope, labelled UN Malvinas, was seized by the PM who tippexed over the word Malvinas, and replaced it with The British Falkland Islands 4EVER in permanent black marker pen, which was made in England, Great Britain.

When Kirchner then insisted that he read the contents, Cameron replied that the document was in the wrong font and that he had left his reading glasses in his hotel room.

The British PM later responded by handing Kirchner a much larger A3 envelope containing a picture of Simon Weston’s handsome rugged face as it was in 1982, prior to the RFA Sir Galahad being hit by three 500kg bombs.

And shortly after waking for this morning G20 session, the Argentine delegation found that their HP inkjet printer had a ‘mysterious’ paper jam that couldn’t be rectified by pulling out the drawer, shoving it back in again and bashing it several times with a hammer while using a variety of sexual swear words.

‘All Out’ Stationery

Fay Bentos, the Argentine foreign minister, said, “Nation states have the obligation to talk. We prepared an envelope containing various paper documents in the Sans Serif font, but the British refuse to read anything other than Times Roman.”

“We also outlined our territorial claims using a series of scribbled post-it notes which we left on his his PC monitor.”

Last night the UK government claimed that the Argentines were refusing to comply with international law after their delegation refused to hand back a stapler they borrowed at the start of the conference.

Cameron said, “It’s not the first time this has happened. More often than not we never see the thing again – or we when we eventually do get it back , there’s no staples in it.”

The Foreign Office, meanwhile, is examining the logistics of sending a task-force of photocopiers to the South Atlantic, including a state of the art Rexel X20033 series , capable of producing over 60 sheets per minute in a variety of colour formats.

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