Governor of the Bank of England Mervyn King and Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne have announced details of some hot bank on bank action that is sure to get you really steamed up and possibly a bit sticky.
Speaking last night In his annual Mansion House speech, Mr Osborne, announced the new stimulus package.
“Call me on 0898 696 969, and I’ll be sure to provide you with growth, if you know what I mean” he said.
Mr Osborne then puckered up his lips and used his index finger to beckon bankers towards him, while Mr King drew their attention to a mobile phone that he was holding.
“Have you been naughty bankers?” enquired Mr King.
“Would you like us to help you maintain your boners……whoops, I mean bonus,” he added while Osborne feigned shock in the background.
Osborne and King went on to emphasise words such as ‘pump’ and ‘inject’ as the gathered crowd cheered and shoved £50 notes – repayable over 6 months at £15 per month – into the pairs waistbands.
“Would you like me to go harder and faster?” Mr Osborne asked as the crowd erupted in ecstacy.
But Labour’s shadow chancellor Ed Balls said the plans did “not go far enough”.
“Ummmmmmm, yeah, if I was chancellor it wouldn’t just be spending that would rise,” he said while circling his left nipple with his finger.
“I bet you’d like to see my package, wouldn’t you?”
“Erm, well you can’t just yet, but it’s a brilliant one that will definitely work…..I mean, yeah, oooooooohhhh, are you hot for my tip” he teased before making his excuses and leaving.