Thursday 24 May 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Fussy eaters to get gherkin-free burgers on NHS


Sufferers of debilitating levels of pickiness have welcomed plans to make gherkin-free burgers available on prescription.

With an increasing number of people claiming to be allergic to vegetables, fruit and other natural ingredients, pharmaceutical companies have invested heavily in ways to separate a bun top from melted cheese, pick out the offending item and leave it stuck under the table.

“Naturally, you wouldn’t expect someone who is really fussy to fend for themselves”, explained Dr Mark White of Astra Zeneca.

“And they won’t be able to anyway now, because we’ve taken out a patent on the procedure.”

Critics of the plan claim that gherkin-free burgers can cost the NHS up to £75 each, once the cost of sending a taxi through the drive-thru after midnight is taken into account.

“We would encourage people who can’t eat certain things to perhaps get used to eating something else instead”, insisted Samantha Fellowes of the Taxpayers Alliance.

“With the right help and support, they could one day order chicken nuggets, or even a Filet-o-Fish.”

Pickle-free NHS

With NHS budgets under pressure, Fellowes believes that alternative treatments should be explored.

“With prescriptions for olive-free pizzas, de-cherried gateaux and entire menus for children who only eat ‘round food’, there’s barely enough money left to educate people on how to cook their own bloody dinners”, Fellowes explained.

Meanwhile, Oxfam is working with ‘Big Pharma’ to make unhealthy food more readily available in Mediterranean countries, where locals struggle to find even the most basic of shit, processed foods.

“Many children in Southern France have never been treated for Sunny Delight”, confirmed Dr White.

“Some have even been forced into scavenging for fresh produce, at local markets.“

“It’s all very well claiming that salad, fresh fish or rice can be used as an alternative therapy”, claimed Dr White. “But we say, ‘let them eat gluten-free cake’.”

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