Friday 18 May 2012

Facebook somehow valuing your moron friends at over $100 each


Facebook is today launching its Initial Public Offering, selling shares at $38 and somehow valuing the morons who fill your newsfeed with poorly articulated tedious updates at approximately $120 each.

With a market value of $108bn, Facebook is apparently somehow under the impression that each of their 900 million users is worth more than an iPod shuffle.

Facebook user Simon Williams said, “I considered investing, of course – who wouldn’t? But then I realised that the majority of people who use Facebook are essentially bereft of worth, both financially and emotionally.”

“That’s when I realised it would be more fun to sit back and watch the inevitable stock price decline and all the wailing and gnashing of teeth.”

“Which to be honest, will be fully deserved – anyone who thinks my mate Jim is worth more than a couple of pence deserves to lose all their money.”

Facebook IPO

Experts have warned that the Facebook IPO isn’t just about obscenely young people becoming obscenely rich, it also has a number of hidden effects that will only make the world a worse place.

Tech stock analyst Mike Shane told us, “Making the world a more connected place sounds like a pretty altruistic aim – even for a cynic like me.”

“But what people don’t seem to understand is that this flotation will make U2’s Bono £900m richer.”

“Fucking. Bono.”

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