As plans were unveiled for a minimum 50p charge per unit of alcohol in Scotland, residents have insisted that in return they’d like home-brewing to become a key skill for all young Scots.
The price move is seen as a way of combating the desire of Scottish people to drink to the point where they no longer realise they’re in Scotland.
The change will see even the rankest four pack of beer costing £3.52, ensuring that even mouthfuls of flat, warm home-brew now has a certain appeal among Scottish drinkers.
Scotsman Simon McDonald told us, “Why would I pay that much for cheap supermarket lager when you can teach your children to make it at home?”
“It’s a key skill for all Scottish children that I’m sure we could make room for. I mean, who really needs Pythagorus’ theorem?”
“Sure, child made home brew is cloudy, warm, and tastes disgusting, but if you add enough sugar it might get to 8%”
Scottish alcohol price
Scottish politicians have pointed to the success of price increases on cigarettes in eliminating smoking
“I think we can all see how artificially raising the price of fags has made smoking a thing of the past.”
“The last time I saw someone smoking was 2009 – what more proof do you need that charging more for stuff works?”