Thursday 10 May 2012

Diageo to actively prevent you having fun unless you’re drinking their alcohol


Global drinks manufacturer Diageo has extended its current bully-boy tactics to sending staff members into bars and clubs to ruin the nights of drinkers enjoying competing products.

After recently abusing its position as ‘sponsor’ at Sunday’s British Institute of Innkeeping awards ceremony by insisting the organisers change the winner of a key award from rightful recipient BrewDog, the alcohol company said its latest move was simply the next logical step in making people do what it wanted them to.

A spokesperson for the group said, “We’ve spent millions promoting our drinks brands, and if you’re not going to consume them when you’re out, then we’re not willing to sit idly by and let you enjoy yourself.”

“We’ve hired teams of ‘whiners’ who will spend the evening moaning into the ears of anyone seen drinking anything other than our own brands.”

“If someone ‘accidentally’ tips your drink out of your hand, don’t be surprised to see them in a Diageo t-shirt.”

Diageo targeting rivals

Regular drinker Simon Williams told us, “I had my first experience of this last night, when someone came up to me and asked if I was drinking Guinness – I told them it was Murphy’s and they kicked me in the shin and spat in my pint.”

“Then they looked me straight in the eye and menacingly implied that I would prefer Guinness in future.”

“It’s an unusual tactic, certainly. But I suppose like any good capitalist economy, we have to give complete freedom to the companies that spend the most.”

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