Tuesday 8 May 2012 by Formelia Alberthine

Ronnie O’Sullivan set to complete 6-month break in record 6 weeks


Newly crowned snooker World Champion Ronnie ‘The Whirlwind’ O’Sullivan is set to shock fans of the Gregorian calendar by completing his scheduled 6-month break from the sport in a record time of 6-weeks and 4 days.

O’Sullivan, who accused snooker chief Barry Hearn of blackmailing players into picking up sticks and boring the bejesus out of millions of people on a big green table, is said to have already racked up over 4-days of his supposed 182.62109-day break, seeing him roll up behind Sunday, on a Saturday.

A spokesman for the ‘Essex Exocet’ confirmed the outlandish feat despite television replays suggesting O’Sullivan was in actual fact at work on Monday holding something pointless above his head.

He told us, “Most self-respecting human beings, and of course snooker fans, would expect Ronnie to be tucked up tight behind a Wednesday, on a Tuesday, like everyone else.”

“No amount of cushions should get him out of that kind of situation, but he’s a little bit different, isn’t he?”

“If his head was in the right place, he’d be watching millions of other morons celebrate the Queen’s Jubilee right now.”

O’Sullivan taking a break

Supremo Hearn has registered his delight at the speed with which the sports only true superstar was going about his break.

He told reporters at the post-final press conference, “He’s an entertainer in a game lacking nothing but entertainment, so we need him back.”

“I’ll be straight with you, well, save little a trace of side that I’d be willing to offer the right arm of every other player on the circuit to ensure his speedy return to baulk.”

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