Monday 7 May 2012

Farts now definitely a legitimate classroom topic, insist students


Classrooms across the country are expected to be full of enthusiastic student opinions this week, after scientists insisted that dinosaur flatulence contributed to global warming.

Research has shown that prehistoric flatulent emissions might have been responsible for the planet’s temperature being 10 degrees higher during the Mesozoic Era, plus almost certainly making entire continents smell like ‘ass’.

Excited 14 year-old schoolboy Simon Davies told us, “Previously any mention of arse burps has been met with derision by teachers, and even detention – but no more.”

“These findings show that we need to understand the exact nature of our bum belches in order to save our planet and avoid a fate similar to that suffered by the dinosaurs.”

“The game of ‘He who smelled it dealt it’, is no longer merely for the playground, but becomes a serious attempt to prevent global warming.”

“Plus if lady dinosaurs did them then I bet Sharon in 9B does them, too.”

Dinosaur farts

Davies went on, “Smell, temperature, hang-time and even moisture are all now up for debate, surely?”

“If nothing else we should be able to study Stinky-Kev in a laboratory. I swear that boy eats dogshit sandwiches for lunch.”

Head teachers across the country have reacted with dismay, insisting that their jobs are hard enough as it is without scientists finding new and amusing ways for teenage boys to steer the classroom conversation towards embarrassing bodily functions.

Twenty year teaching veteran Gary Williamson told us, “Thanks for this, seriously. Getting the classroom back on topic is now likely to be nigh on impossible.”

“You might as well have published a paper claiming that Shakespeare only wrote his plays because someone threatened him with an atomic wedgie.”

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