Friday 20 April 2012 by Gary Stanton

Liverpool’s giant street girl marionette ‘already up the duff’


The 30 foot street-theatre marionette of a young Liverpool girl is expecting her first child in November, according to experts.

The girl, who represents a real schoolgirl from the city, is believed to have been knocked up by her 50 foot wooden ‘Uncle’ Sid, who is more a friend of the family than an actual blood relation.

Sid, who is fashioned from the finest oak and has not worked since sustaining an industrial injury fifteen years ago, follows the girl at a distance of 200 yards waving a brand new iPod Touch, which, according to legend, is a crude attempt to buy the girl’s silence.

However, Sid’s attempts are thought to be in vain after the JLS album he downloaded from ITunes was ruined by heavy buffering and he made a series of ill-considered choices when preparing a Happy Hardcore compilation.

Liverpool Doll

Operated by a team of thirty skilled puppeteers, the girl blinks, opens her mouth and looks around, patiently watching the people scurrying away below before mouthing the words, “What the fuck are youse lookin’ at, dickhead?”

Her face movements are subtle and realistic and her fake tan, which required over fifty gallons of Cuprinol, is beguiling enough to tempt you to suspend your disbelief.

In one scene – intended to be an accurate portrayal of life in the city – Sid buys the iPod from his 40 foot puppet mate Terry at a branch of Wetherspoons just off Lime Street, but the splinters soon fly when Terry claims the unborn child belongs to him.

The pair are then pursued the entire length of Scotland Road by a team of 60 foot giants suited puppets representing officials from the Child Support Agency. The final act sees Sid agree to a paternity test.

Liverpool has seen over-sized pointless street theatre before, when a giant arachnid version of Heather Mills appeared on the side of a tower block during the European Capital of Culture celebrations in 2008, before stalking the city and making off with Sir Paul McCartney’s wallet.

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