Monday 16 April 2012 by Spacey

News that drought won’t lead to water cannon ban gives hope to disaffected gardeners


After the Environment Agency warned that Water shortages across England could last until beyond Christmas, disaffected gardeners are contemplating staging violent protests on in their gardens in the hope that police will disperse them with water cannons while simultaneously watering their lawns.

The government has insisted that Water cannons would prove a valuable asset during rioting, and with hosepipe bans affecting about 20 million customers, gardeners have insisted they will cause as much disorder as possible in attempt to get much needed water to their once vibrant lawns.

“I’ll do whatever I have to in order to get my voice heard and my Dianthus carthusianorum watered,” said one agitated horticulturalist.

“If the government think that violence will be limited to inner city areas then they need to think again.”

“Seriously, I won’t think twice about setting fire to some leaves while the neighbours have got their washing out.”

Hosepipe ban

Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman has issued some official government advice to gardeners who are struggling to cope with the water shortage.

“It is vital that we use less water, so we would urge gardeners to encourage alienated youths into their gardens” she revealed.

“Rather than use water cannons we will use tear gas, and this will allow us to use the tears of the unemployed to reinvigorate the nation’s gardens.”

“Alernatively they could use a man-shaped wicker effigy and sacrifice a public sector worker to the rain gods.”

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