Wednesday 4 April 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Creationists conclude ‘gigantic’ snake is definitely the one mentioned in bible


A team of creationists wearing ‘scientist’ badges are setting out to find out more about an enormous snake discovered in South America.

Weighing more than 1 tonne and over 14 metres in length, the group believe ‘firstus temptersnakei’ could be up to 6,000 years old.

“The bible teaches that an evil snake was the source of original sin”, explained missionary leader Doctor Norbert. “And this discovery proves we were right all along.”

“Check mate atheists.”

While the bible hadn’t explained just how enormous the snake was, Norbert thinks it’s fair to assume that its contemporaries would have been equally colossal.

“Scaling up from a draught excluder I keep in my study, I put Adam and Eve at over four storeys high”, concluded Norbert.

“Pretty intimidating even for a dinosaur, which is why they wouldn’t have existed in the first place.”

Giant snake

Norbert’s studies show that Adam and Eve were made in God’s image, suggesting he would also have struggled to find clothes on the high street.

“Now we just need to find out how the apple made their offspring so much smaller”, explained Norbert. “But it does explain why we find God so intimidating.”

Norbert’s team are hoping to find the first primitive home of Adam and Eve, which should yield more clues about the origins of man.

“We’re hoping to find the glass tank they would have kept the snake in, and perhaps evidence of other pets that God created for their amusement”, he declared.

Norbert has welcomed one such discovery in Siberia, although he has challenged the taxonomy.

“It’s obviously one of Eve’s ‘pre-temptation’ pet hamsters, there’s no reason to believe in a so-called ‘woolly mammoth'”, he announced.

“If you dig a bit deeper, you’ll find evidence of floral draylon, or cream leather. It’s safe to assume it suffocated down the back of their 30-tonne sofa.”

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