As the government announced plans to monitor all emails, texts and website views in the UK, it was warned to brace itself for a level of smut and depravity previously thought impossible.
The Home Office said it was bringing forward plans for web monitoring as soon as parliament will allow, insisting that you have nothing to worry about unless you’re a terrorist or prefer things a little kinky from time to time.
A Home Office spokesperson said, “In the ongoing battle against terrorism, it’s important that we know how many photos of your genitals you’ve sent to sexual partners in the last few years.”
“Don’t worry, we’re fully prepared for what we might find.”
UK citizen Simon Williams said, “I get that they’re trying to stop terrorism, and that’s admirable, but the sort of stuff I send my girlfriend would make Larry Flint blush.”
“And that’s just the text messages – god only help them if they see some of the video clips I send her.”
Web monitoring coming soon
Privacy campaigners have insisted that exposing the true levels of perversion present in the UK today will do nothing to help the fight against terrorism.
Leading privacy advocate Deidre Matthews told us, “We should feel safe sending borderline illegal smut to our partners, without the fear of a mid-ranking civil servant flicking his way through it.”
“I’m not sure how exposing our secret services to the levels of filth regularly watched, sent and received by the average Brit will do anything to help the nation’s security.
“If anything it might make them wonder if Al Qaeda are right after all.”