Liverpool have announced that they will attempt to increase Andy Carroll’s goals to game ratio by replacing him with an Andy Carroll statue that will be situated in the Anfield car park.
The striker, who moved to Liverpool from Newcastle for a fee of £35m in January 2011, currently weighs in with an average of 0.17 goals per game, and manager Kenny Dalglish is hopeful that this would be bettered by an inanimate object several hundred feet away from the pitch.
“I think a statue of Andy positioned away from where the game is being played would be able to impose itself on the action much more effectively,” revealed Dalglish.
“Andy needs to get himself in the right areas at the right time, and based on his performances over the last year, the right area for him to be is not on the pitch, and the right time is when a game is being played.”
The closest Carroll came to scoring in yesterday’s game against Newcastle was when he was walking down the tunnel after being substituted in the 79th minute, and fans of the club are hopeful that this is an indication of the influence he can have on the outcome of games by being nowhere near the field of play.
“I think a 6ft 3inch statue of Andy Carroll made from limestone would be a great signing,” revealed 43 year old season ticket holder Dave Greening.
“Andy has shown what a great job he can do when he sits on the bench.”
“He’s even better when he’s sat in the stands.”
“Imagine what impact he could have if he was replaced with a statue and positioned in the car park.”
“I think the title’s definitely ours next season.”