Monday 2 April 2012

Francis Maude tells public to enjoy Easter because everyone is going to die


The government has been accused of spreading panic amongst the general public after Francis Maude told people that they should make the most of the Easter break because everyone dies.

Just days after he encouraged people to panic buy petrol, Maude went one step further by screaming at reporters, “It’s only a matter of time! There’s no escaping it! You’ll all be dead soon-ish!”

“Life is but a fleeting experience and it’s gone in the blink of an eye – you could be dead tomorrow, did you know that?”

“Here you are walking around without a care in the world, and in seconds you could be well on your way to being worm food.”

Maude warning

Critics of the government have claimed this is just scare mongering, sending people into a frenzy of ‘living’ for fear of something that almost certainly won’t be happening in the next few weeks.

25 year-old Simon Williams told us, “Only this morning I decided to take the day off to go and look at the sea – we don’t look at the sea enough these days, do we?”

“It turns out I’ve been fired as I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it, but Francis Maude told me to make the most of life, so I figure he owes me a job.”

“Something in the cabinet office would be nice.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: