Friday 30 March 2012 by Spacey

Gangs of vicious motorists besiege Dorset in hunt for overpriced sandwiches and charcoal briquettes


After a number of petrol stations closed on their advice, Dorset police have admitted that they completely underestimated public demand for overpriced sandwiches and charcoal briquettes.

The roads of Dorset have seen numerous incidents of high-speed chases involving motorists desperate to grab a bite to eat on the run.

In scenes he described as “like a cross between Mad Max and Supermarket Sweep”, Chief Constable of Dorset Police Mr Martin Baker, revealed that police had been “stretched to the limit” in their attempts to stop the gangs in their unrelenting quest for items sold in petrol stations.

“There have been numerous violent clashes between motorists fighting over charcoal briquettes and plant pots,” he said.

“We are appealing for witnesses to an incident involving a 43 year-old man from Bridport who was run off the road and attacked because he had a bag of top soil on the back seat.”

Petrol station closures

The outbreaks of chaos, which have been attributed to the government advising people to panic, look set to continue as people frantically try and stock up on petrol station shop items in anticipation of a tanker driver strike that hasn’t been announced.

25 year old David Burton, who was loading 12 bunches of daffodils, a selection of chocolate, 5 packs of sanitary towels and a squeaky pork chop shaped dog toy into the back of his car insisted it was best to be prepared.

“I don’t have a girlfriend, or a dog for that matter, but I need to be prepared in case I do,” he told us.

“If the police close petrol stations to ease traffic congestion then where are people going to buy things that they don’t need, but are told to buy?”

“People may think it’s unnecessary, but I’ll be the one laughing if supplies of kindling wood dry up.”

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