Monday 26 March 2012 by Waylandsmithy

James Cameron offered £250k to shut up about submarines at dinner


Film director James Cameron faced embarrassment today, after being offered a significant ‘donation’ if he’d stop banging on about bloody submarines.

Just hours after his one-man mission to reach the deepest part of the world’s oceans, Cameron has already bored those around him by using it as a metaphor for world peace, class struggle and the destruction of rain forests.

Mr Cameron is no stranger to long, drawn-out periods staring at nothing but water, having directed both ‘The Abyss’ and ‘Titanic’.

“The mission opened with me, climbing into a submarine”, said Cameron. “It was sparse and cramped, like I imagine an Irish crofter’s cottage would have been.”

“In the next scene, we pan across to me, still in the submarine”, Cameron went on. “This continues for five hours, and nothing happens.”

Cameron’s submarine

The mission to the bottom of the Marianas Trench fulfils a childhood dream for the director, as everyone at the after-mission dinner is now more than aware.

James Cameron denied that being paid a quarter of a million pounds to ‘change the subject’ would influence his film-making policies.

“The documentary about my dive will still be overly-long and tedious”, confirmed Cameron, “and I’m leaving in the bit where I clench my fists, close my eyes and launch into a Celine Dion song.”

Critics of Mr Cameron’s documentary have demanded an enquiry into claims that the Pacific floor is inhabited by lanky, blue hippies.

“If you ask me, he’s just chucked those in from the ‘Avatar’ left-overs”, complained one reviewer.

“I suppose we should be used to him making deep things seem really shallow.”

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