Thursday 22 March 2012 by Steve Evans

Bumper onanistic Winter promised for Dr Who fans


Dr Who fan boys everywhere are looking forward to cracking off to the new series of the popular BBC children’s programme as the new assistant is revealed to be yet another hot female.

Tweets of relief flooded the Internet this morning as attractive woman Jenna-Louise Coleman was named as Matt Smith’s new side-totty in the new series starting later this year.

“Thank Davros for that, my Sat night fumble still assured,’” tweeted @TimePhwoared, whilst @Gillanspants wrote “Phew not an alien. Even a fit one would detract from the task in hand”.

“Many had feared Exec Producer Steven Moffat would throw fans a curve ball and make the new assistant a robot or floating cake something else stupid,” said Darren Slight who runs fan site ‘crackingsidekicks.com’.

“I mean, we had the running gag in series 5 about seeing Amy’s crack and last series she was pregnant which clearly meant she’d, y’know, done it. Most probably naked.”

“In a 45 minute episode you could bash one out at least 4 if not 5 times. More if you turned over to Doctor Who confidential on BBC3. I was riddled with cramp by 9 most Saturdays.”

New Doctor Who assistant

Doctor Who expert Professor Silas Cuff explained, “Although exact details of the character Coleman will be playing have yet to be released, it’s highly likely there will be scanty clothing, heavy panting and overtly erotic dialogue tossed into the mix.”

“Most fans are massively relieved it’s not another Adric or, even worse Ace. Or Donna.”

Kleenex has already begun recruiting staff for the third and fourth quarter as the new companion will make her first appearance on the Christmas Day episode meaning it’ll not just being presents being emptied out of sacks.

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