As teenage boys everywhere heard the plight of a woman seeking to have her non-functioning hand replaced by a bionic one, every single one of them couldn’t help wondering if it would feel like someone else was touching it.
Though the bionic replacement has been designed to enhance the lives of people who have lost the use of limbs in accidents, it hasn’t taken long for adolescents to uncover the seemingly endless masturbatory possibilities.
14 year-old Jaden Smith told us, “Look, all I do with this hand is write stuff and open doors and that, and computers can do that for me these days.”
“Why not chop it off and give me one that looks like it belongs to Cheryl Cole?”
“I’m thinking slightly tanned, silky smooth and with bright red nail polish. You science doctors can do that, right?”
However medical experts have been quick to warn of the significant risks in using a non-feeling device to tickle your plums.
Prosthetics researcher Dr James Williams told us, “You can warm up the prosthesis in hot water, get the mood lighting just right and even fork out for that expensive moisturiser your mum used to use – but it still won’t feel completely natural.”
“Right now the technology simply doesn’t know how to squeeze at just the right pressure – and just one incorrect signal to the device will have you yelping in excrutiating pain and leaping towards the ceiling.”