Monday 19 March 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Saatchi pitches for Turner Prize with ‘pedestal mounted wife’


Arty show-off Charles Saatchi is hoping to bag a major art prize, after drawing attention to the loveliness of his wife, Nigella Lawson.

Saatchi is considered by many to be a recluse with a jealously guarded private life, but that hasn’t stopped ‘the thinking woman’s chauvinist’ from displaying his Rubenesque cook in a number of studios, next to a big pile of his recently launched book.

“It’s nice having a top class bird on my arm, it warms my heart to know so many men are coveting her”, he declared.

Indeed, some men have admitted to coveting Nigella so vigorously, it’s given them quite severe arm ache.

“I didn’t know it was called coveting”, admitted Terry Hardcastle, a builder from Plumstead.

“But I definitely enjoy my hobby of coveting a nice piece of art. Particularly when the wife’s out on a Thursday at bingo, and I can dust off my collection of ‘Advertisers’ Wives’.”

Saatchi Book

But Hardcastle isn’t completely comfortable with Saatchi getting a thrill out of knowing what he’s up to.

“It sort of feels like he’s objectifying me a bit,” he admitted.

As with his other collectible objects, Saatchi has a team of experts on hand ready to restore his wife, should she start to show any signs of ageing.

“Damien Hurst has offered to preserve her in formaldehyde”, explained Saatchi. “But I might just stick her in a big shed, and buy a new one.”

Nigella is regarded by many as a national treasure, but Saatchi wouldn’t disclose how much she’s been valued at for insurance purposes.

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