As Dr Rowan Williams announced his resignation from the post of Archbishop of Canterbury, church officials began their search for a replacement sufficiently detached from reality to accurately represent their interests.
Williams is due to take up a post as Master of Magdalene College, Cambridge, where he will be able to foist his medieval opinions on the impressionable minds of thousands of young people every year.
However, the void left by his considerable personality will need to be filled swiftly, lest the church accidentally find itself dragged into the 19th century.
As one Church official told us, “We face a homophobic vacuum unless we move swiftly. Without someone to take a stance against the gays we could find ourselves overrun within weeks – like a better dressed scene from The Walking Dead.”
“We need someone high profile, and with a strong track record of cherry picking Bible verses to suit the argument they are making at that particular time.”
“If they could have as tenuous a link on reality as possible, and their own collection of posh frocks, then that would be an advantage.”
New Archbishop of Canterbury
The Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu is an early front runner for the position, after recently denouncing say marriage and female bishops.
“He’s a potential star in the making, definitely.” said one Church insider.
“He’s got that air of unpredictability about him that means you’re never quite sure which rampantly inappropriate stance he’s going to take next.”
“In that sense he’s perfectly placed to become a really top religious icon.”