Thursday 15 March 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Channel 5 to sell ‘archive shows’ through car boot sale in St Albans


Chief executive of Channel 5 Richard Desmond has announced plans to make the channel’s complete archive available for purchase, from a car boot sale in a cow field in Hertfordshire.

At a packed press conference at one of the big tables in a Harvester in Hatfield, Desmond unveiled details of how he intends to sell ropey old tat from a Volvo estate he’d borrow from a neighbour.

“You don’t have to buy them, but it would be shame to go home empty-handed”, he explained.

“Especially if you’ve already paid three quid to get in.”

“All the classics are up for grabs”, announced Desmond through a mouthful of saucy prawn cocktail.

“’Bridezillas’, ‘Live with Gabby’ and the pilot series of ‘CSI: the Bins Behind Mr Papandreou’s Kebab Shop’.”

TV archives for sale

With a statistically significant 4.7% share of TV audiences, Desmond has a loyal following of morons who tune in to his awful programmes when there’s absolutely nothing else on.

And he believes some may have enough of their hard-earned scratch-card fodder left over, to take a punt on an old show recorded on Betamax.

“Early signs are positive”, insisted the erstwhile pornographer.

“We’re running a trial of our technology from a scout jamboree in Stevenage.”

With nearly £8 raised from a dusty copy of ‘The Vanessa show’ sold to someone who thought it was that one they did about lesbians, Desmond is hopeful of covering the cost of his diesel in just a matter of hours.

“There’s a woman who’s looked twice now at a box set of ‘Going for Gold’, so I think we could break even by tea-time”, he announced.

“But the day is still young and I’ve got a suitcase full of videos from my ‘Red Hot TV’.”

“If I can find a buyer who’s never heard of the internet, we’ll be straight into profit.”

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