A hairy-faced scientist has condemned the government’s plans for a trial badger cull, while shifting uncomfortably on his wooden, stick-shaped feet and lurching side-to-side.
Dr John Smith (Human) claimed to have spent so much time in the company of badgers that he’d ‘learned all their names’ and realised ‘how utterly charming and witty’ they can be.
Smith also claimed that killing innocent families of badgers such as the Wormsbains, the Holtwrights or the Brock-Digglers would only increase the spread of bovine TB.
“As a human scientist capable of standing here like this all day”, growled Smith, “I have discovered that threatening badgers can lead to them deliberately coughing in cows’ faces, or sneezing on their udders as they sleep.”
Smith apologised for being quite so husky during his speech, claiming he’d ‘picked something up off a diseased heifer’. According to Smith cows are ‘dirty animals’ and quite clumsy, especially if you happen to be lolloping around in their fields late at night.
At a little over 8-ft tall, Smith seemed uncomfortable in his trench coat and balaclava.
At one point, he started arguing with his own legs. This led to him collapsing and falling off the back of the stage, only to emerge a more believable 5ft 10.
While some were put off by the way Smith writhed and wobbled throughout his presentation, most agreed he had an air of authority about him, as well as a strong smell of beetles.
Smith refused to be drawn on the matter of a small badger that fell from his right sleeve, but he was happy to suggest an alternative method for dealing with TB.
“You could try and get used to milk that tastes a bit ‘phlegmy’, eat delicious worms instead of cheese, or keep the cows locked up in big sheds.”
Smith’s proposal was interrupted by loud ‘moos’ from the back of the room, and several lumps of well-aimed cud.
Smith acknowledged the objections, but insisted they chew it over for a while.