Friday 9 March 2012 by Spacey

Alcoholics to swap collapsing in their own piss for riding unicorns through a dancing forest of fibre optic trees


After an analysis of studies performed in the 1960’s and 70’s revealed that hallucinogenic drug LSD could help alcoholics give up drinking, heavy drinkers are contemplating a future that consists of helping Jesus guide a UFO through a huge pulsating vagina as an alternative to waking up naked in a puddle of their own sick.

A study, presented in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, looked at data from six trials that were carried out to see just how completely off their tits people could get.

LSD is a class A drug in the UK which can cause users to sit and stare at stationary objects for several hours while saying the word ‘wow’ repeatedly.

The report’s authors, Teri Krebs and Pal-Orjan Johansen, said: “A single dose of LSD has a significant beneficial effect on alcohol misuse and can lead to users travelling through time on a magic carpet made from mermaids’ hair.”

“LSD is also significantly cheaper than alcohol, but admittedly this could be cancelled out by the enormous bag of marijuana needed to help get through the comedown.”

“With all drugs there are dangers, and studies have revealed that LSD can in some cases lead to Pink Floyd albums.”

LSD to help alcoholics

Alcoholics have reacted to news of the study with enthusiasm followed quickly by violence and regret and then self-loathing.

“Come ‘ere, mate, come ‘ere,” long-term alcoholic Jason Norris told us.

“That’s brilliant news that is.”

“What you looking at?! I’ll cut you up you big bastards!”

“I’m really Sorry, mate.”

“God, I hate my life,” he added.

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